Pickles

I never envisioned myself as this type of person. The type of person who is sitting in a Stabucks, having not eaten a full meal in two days, defiantly holding back tears of frustration and fear. I am without a job, I have just resigned from graduate school (doesn't that sound more dignified than "dropped out"?). I never saw myself as someone who was going to have to move back in with her mother because she has no money, she has no job prospects and she has just made a huge error in judgment.

I just officially sent in my resignation for my graduate program. My department head wasn't available until after tomorrow (which would have been my orientation) so I didn't have the opportunity to resign in person. I feel pretty low. 

I have listed the apartment at a reduced price and I am desperate to rent it. I do not know what I am going to do if in 11 days I do not have someone to sublet my apartment and I do not have the first month's rent and a deposit. I am so desperate. I have no assets, I no money to pay for anything, and unless a miracle happens I have no takers on this apartment. 

The thing that probably makes this the hardest is that I did want to go to graduate school and I felt it was the best option for me after graduation. Now, I wish I had just stayed in Charleston and worked for Carolina Catering. At least I would have had a steady paycheck. At least I would not be responsible for an apartment I can not only not afford, but have no income to put towards. I would not be embarrassed to live at home. I would not feel like a flake, an idiot or as stupid as I do now, crying in a Starbucks amongst strangers. 

The fact that I never really had any support from my mother or my godmother to go to graduate school also makes this difficult. The fact that my mother knowingly signed onto the lease as cosigner and now she is only able to say the words "I am a cosigner" over and over and over, treating me as some sort of culpable creature who put her in a difficult position. The person who is going to have to shoulder this financial burden is me. I will have to sell whatever I have, have to work as a waitress until a career opportunity is found in order to pay for a rented apartment in which I will not be living-- unless by the grace of God, Facebook and craigslist someone sublets this apartment from me by July 31. 


I have rent due in 11 days for my sublease for the amount of $809. In August my lease starts and my rent is $820. 


I'll put a "For Rent" sign in my window. I'll post information about the apartment wherever I can.