Crime & Punishment

You need to be caught up to speed. First of all...
MY APARTMENT RENTED IN GAINESVILLE!
Yeah, I know, I am excited, too!


In other news I am rethinking my celibacy resolution, though not for the reasons you're rolling your eyes at right now. First of all, I visited the ex Monday. I was picking up my  workout gear from his apartment so I can start P90X this week. Visiting him was not exactly easy. I cried.  I don't understand why, I guess though I don't love him anymore and don't want to date him again there were still some tears that needed their moment. It's been a long time since I have seen him and walking into his apartment has sent my system into orbit. I have not eaten much the past two days and have felt quite sick to my stomach. Its clear he's moved on with his life. I am happy for him. Dwelling on the past is a waste of time and I want him to find someone who fits him better than I did. I want to find someone who fits me better than he did. 


My intention was to simply spend 10 minutes at his apartment, maximum. I stayed for an hour. Residual heart ache remains like an almost transparent film on a clear glass. That was evident considering the periodic bouts of silent tears that welled up and spilled out of my eyes during my time with him Monday evening. We did not talk about anything particularly touchy. We did admit to the (inevitable) rebounds that have occurred (for us both) since our breakup. As I stood in his kitchen conversing, I realized that my quasi-depression was of my own doing and my celibacy resolution was simply a perpetuation of a self-punishment pattern established during the final months of our tumultuous codependent relationship. 


I have blamed myself, since day one, for the failure of that relationship. Up until Monday evening I had not begun the process of rescinding that choice. I now choose to forgive myself, for what ever mistakes and/or choices I made. There is a difference between holding your feet to the fire and burning yourself at the stake. I tend towards the latter and its a pattern that I intend to break in 2011. I did the best I could as a 21 and 22 year old. I have to forgive myself and move on. It wasn't my fault it didn't work. Some things, some dreams are simply not meant to last forever. 


After discovering the connection between my self-punishment and my sex-free 2011 resolution it is hereby removed from my list of New Year's resolutions. My final resolution was to be happy, and (quite frankly) sex makes me happy. It makes you happy, too.